Is That My Little Girl?

She’s changing

Amber says: “Sometimes I’m sad and frustrated for no reason. I lock myself in my room and scream into my pillow or listen to my favorite band. My mom says I have an attitude, but I just don’t know how to control it.”

Her moods: “Hormones and awkward feelings about puberty cause your daughter to have mood swings, and she’ll push you to the limit and test you,” Brown says. “It’s OK to set rules. It’s OK if she’s angry with you. In 20 minutes her emotions may flip again.”

Kendra says: “We meet all our friends at the movies, girls and boys. Our parents sit in the back of the theater. I feel safe because they’re there, but I don’t want them right next to me. We can’t act like ourselves.”

Her plea for independence: “She’s really looking for your guidance,” Brown says. “Limits help her feel more secure.”

Erika says: “We wanted to shave our legs because the ladies do. My friend uses a G2G (Girl to Goddess) kit with a razor, gel and book. My mom worried about me cutting myself, so she gave me a special cream to remove the hair. It’s cool.”

Her rite of passage: “If one friend is shaving, she’ll probably want to, too. If she’s over age 9, let her do it, with your guidance,” Steiner-Friel says. “This is a good time to talk about other changes she’ll experience.”

Vanessa says: “My mom said I could come to her when I was ready for a bra—and I was ready when I was 10. You could see through my shirts, and that made me uncomfortable.”

Her first bra: Some girls may be too shy to ask for a bra. But clothing brushing on breast buds can create soreness. When you notice the change, suggest a bra “to help you feel better and provide support.” Sports bras or tank tops are good starters.

Erika says: “A girl in my class has her period, and she gets in bad moods. I want to ask her, ‘Is it annoying? Does it make you crazy?’ It’s scary. I don’t want my period.”

Amber says: “My mom promised that after I get my first period, we can go for teen pads and ice cream. That sounds good to me!”

Her first period: Your daughter remembers what you say about your period, so beware of calling it “the dreaded time of the month,” Steiner-Friel says. “Explain why she has a period, that it allows women to have babies.” Celebrate milestones and share your own experiences to make puberty a positive transition.

Talking about it

Kendra says: “My mom went through this girl stuff, so I want her to talk to me. But I don’t want her to get all weird. It’s embarrassing.”

Starting the conversation: “Going shopping together for bras and tampons might be fun for some girls, but it might not suit your daughter,” Brown says. Let the conversation begin naturally—for example, while you’re watching a feminine product commercial on TV.

Vanessa says: “My mom says I can come to her anytime for ‘girl chats.’ She says every girl goes through these changes. It helps to know I’m not the only one.”

Getting her to open up: Assure your daughter she can come to you, and eventually she will. Be available anytime, anywhere. “If you can’t answer all her questions, it’s OK,” Stevens says. “Tell her you’ll find the answer.” One great place to initiate girl talk, she adds, is in the car—“it’s casual, and nobody can escape.”-

Kendra says: “I don’t want my mom to know everything about my life, like whether I like a boy. So sometimes it’s easier to talk to my aunts. They’re in their 20s, and they understand.”

If there’s another confidante: Don’t feel hurt if your daughter confides in another adult. “Just make sure it’s someone you both trust,” Stevens says. “It’s important she has someone knowledgeable to talk to so she doesn’t rely on inaccurate information.”

Vanessa says: “My mom’s friend gave me the Care and Keeping of You book, and I read it in two days. It taught me about the stages of puberty and helped me realize I’m not ready for tampons yet. It also taught me that no matter how your body changes, it’s the inside that matters, not the outside.”

Books help: Don’t cram everything into one talk. “You’ll overwhelm her,” Stevens says. “Leave a book in her bedroom. She’ll read it when she’s ready.”

Here come the boys

Amber says: “A few years ago, we thought boys were gross. Now we hang out and love annoying them.”

Birds, bees and boys: Before your daughter has her first period, talk about relationships, changes in boys and how babies are created. (More than 10 percent of 12-year-olds and 40 percent of 16-year-olds have had sexual intercourse, Steiner-Friel says.) “Don’t wait until it’s too late,” Brown says. “Talking with you about sex will not make her sexually active. It will give her information she needs to make positive choices in the future.”